Alastair’s Story
In the same week that Alastair (MBACP (Acred)) started counselling at The Nightingale he received his cancer diagnosis. Now, four years on from when he first started and now in remission, we wanted to see how he found having cancer himself while also helping other cancer sufferers.
“At first, what I had wasn’t even defined as cancer. I had Monoclonal B-cell Lymphocytosis”.
MBL (for short) is when your body produces an elevated number of identical B cells which can develop into chronic lymphocytic leukaemia.
“It was a series of luck that caught my diagnosis. A lump in my stomach led to an inconclusive GP scan, which led to a CT scan revealing a solitary kidney, which led to a blood test which showed elevated white blood cell count.
Had I not had all these scans because of the small lump (which turned out to be a hernia), I wouldn’t have gone for a check until four years after my original diagnosis when I started experiencing headaches.”
Counselling people with cancer while having cancer seems like an overwhelming task and one where the lines might start to blur. I asked whether going through cancer himself had changed Alastair’s approach to counselling.
“No, it hasn’t. It has given me a deeper perspective but cancer journeys are unique so I can’t use my experience to relate to someone else. Besides, counselling isn’t about me and a shared experience, I’m not the important one in the room.
However, I did experience imposter syndrome. People I had counselled had gone through tough times and yet I was still able to get up in the mornings and run 5 miles. I had to force off the feeling of being a fraud throughout my journey.”
After being recommended to start a blog by a friend, Alastair started writing about what he was going through, his appointments and chemotherapy and he shared it with his social circle. He now recommends others to keep a blog when going through treatment.
“I wrote the blog so that I could read it back when I had finished my treatment. I understand every nuance of every word I wrote, how I was feeling when I wrote it and why I used those words.
It’s useful to read through such an emotional experience and realise that the fear and anxiety I had while writing it are old and not how I feel now. Holding onto those feelings serves no purpose.
It’s interesting that the natural response to something life changing like this is to hide and not reach out to people. I chose to do the opposite because I had seen the effects of not reaching out could have.
My friendship circle supported me throughout and lots of old friends reached out too. Some friends I didn’t know had cancer then felt safe sharing their story with me.”
We have heard time and again from our clients that they find they lose friends during their diagnosis or treatment. I mentioned this to Alastair and questioned why he thought his experience was different.
“My blog helped as my friends could read about my experience at their leisure and prepare themselves for anything uncomfortable.
I also lived with the mentality that I can’t be responsible for how others react to my cancer.”
A curious statement and something which many people struggle with during cancer – the burden and guilt of how those around you are feeling.
“It sounds brutal but to a certain extent we choose our own responses. I can’t choose how others feel about my cancer. During such a vulnerable time I couldn’t take on that responsibility.
I don’t have a choice whether I have cancer but I can choose my responses to it. Living a fuller life is a powerful way to get the most out of it.”
Alastair had a unique perspective that many people would find helpful to hear about. I wanted to see if he had any advice for others.
“The first thing I would say to people is that early diagnosis is key.
One of the reasons I have shared my journey so openly was to highlight how important getting tested is and to encourage people not to delay going for that check-up.
The second is that cancer is tough and it is scary. It is genuinely scary. Anxiety stems from the feeling that there is a threat to your life, so this isn’t false anxiety. You’re having a genuine threat on your life. It’s OK to feel scared, anxious and uncertain.”
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